Is "Insecure" the new watchword?

Since Rachel decided to take on the "10 Things You Should Never Say To A Woman", I thought I would take a shot at the "10 Things You Should Never Say To A Man", which was linked to in that article. This list was obviously written by someone who is Not A Real Man. If the article didn't attribute it to a man, I would suspect it had been written by a woman who wrote what she thought a Redneck would say.

1) "That looks cute."
For the most part, men hate cute. We don't want to hear about it, we don't want to see it, and we sure as hell don't want to be it. If we come down stairs after getting dressed and you tell us we look cute, there's a 100 percent chance we're changing. We're supposed to be your protector, your rock, and cute does not fit into that picture.

Sorry pal, but a Real Man understands that women often don't use the same language that men do. If they want to say that something we're wearing, or something we've built looks cute, then we'll take it as the compliment it was intended to be, and not get all insulted by it. Only an insecure boob would get upset by this.

2) "We need to talk."
These four words shut off a man's brain faster than long division. When men hear you say that they immediately go into flight mode. And anything they can do to get out of this conversation—and better yet, your apartment—they will. There are plenty of other ways to approach a delicate conversation, and getting us in a place where we feel comfortable is a good start.

OK, granted that "We need to talk" is indeed a signal that something is wrong, and that's never an inviting beginning because it means that unpleasant things are likely to be discussed, but come on now, this guy's reaction is something akin to taking headlong flight just because of seeing a beetle in your house.

"... shut off a man's brain faster than long division"? DUDE! Did you never go to school? Long division is something you should have mastered before 6th grade! How can that shut you down over that? "Anything they can do to get out"? Ladies, you should avoid a person who would react this way like the plague, because he only wants one thing, and it's NOT gazing into your eyes and wondering why you could possibly be interested in him.

3) "It's just a game."
Actually, it's not just a game. Sports are a major part of our lives and the outcome has as much to do with our mood as just about anything else. Is it fair? No. Is it right? No. Is it immature? Maybe. But it's life. Sometimes we just care too much. We understand that it doesn't make sense, but you should be happy that we're that passionate about something. Telling us that "it's just a game" is like us telling you that Oprah's just a talk show host.

YES, YOU CRETIN, IT IS "JUST A GAME", unless you have more money invested in bets than you can afford to lose. OK, so many guys can invest more emotion in watching a game than some women (not all) would think appropriate for a game, but instead of getting all pissy about it, just explain, "Yes, I know it's just a game, but when guys even watch other guys doing energetic and dangerous things, or engaging in head-to-head competition of strength and endurance, it gets our adrenaline pumping, and we get excited. It'll wear off after the game is over, but it also might just stay long enough for us to give you a little surprise, if you know what I mean *wink*.

4) "Nothing's wrong."
Please don't tell us nothing's wrong. The look on your face could make the toughest guy on the planet weep like a third-grade girl and your arms are crossed so tight you might explode. We're not mind readers; tell us what's going on. And don't make us guess because—believe me—you won't like what we come up with.

Well, even a stopped clock is right twice a day, I guess. This phrase really does strike fear into the hearts of men, because there's not really any instruction manual for dealing with it. I mean, even I, who has approximately the body-language reading skills of a sick wildabeest, can tell there's something wrong. I think the hyperbole was a little bit much on this one, but it certainly does mae us feel helpless when we can't get some idea what the problem is.

5) "I sound like my mom."
The mere fact that you might turn into your mom someday scares the hell out of us. Don't say it, even in jest—it's not funny. We actually believe (and pray) that the saying "every woman ends up looking like their mother" is an old wives' tale. If we didn't, no one would ever get married.

This has an interesting parallel to the "You sound just like your mom" quote from the other list. On the other hand, I've never heard any woman way this in real life, except when they have started saying things that they always used to complain about their mothers' saying when they were younger, trying to keep them from doing something stupid. Typically, this is an indication of gaining maturity and feeling responsibility, so it's generally a good thing, indicating that she's growing up. Generally, it's better to find someone who has already found that maturity and responsibility are good things, but if you're still young, that might be a little too much to ask for.

6) "I just want to be friends."
No you don't. You just want us to stop calling you. This is a lot like pulling off a band-aid. Do it quick—don't prolong the agony. Most of us take "I just want to be friends" as "There's still a chance," so if there isn't just make it a clean break and move on. Everyone will be much better because of it.

Good grief, dude, what are you, 16? Do you like her, or do you only want to get in her pants? Never mind, the rest of this list tells me the answer to that question. If you really think she deserves to be happy, then you'll back off and "just be friends". That way, if she was being reasonably direct, and actually wants to be friends, you will still get to spend some time with her sometimes, even if it's not the way you hoped for. And who knows? When she matures a little more, she may decide that a guy who has her back all the time really is the one she should be staying with. Because chances are that she's telling you this because you're not dangerous enough, and she's exceited by the Bad Boy type. If this is the reason, and she does mature, she's likely to look more closely at you, if you've always been there when she needed someone to talk to.

Of course, the other possibility for her saying this is that she thinks you're on the verge of stalking her, and that you'll be dangerous if she goes for the hard break. Take a look at the way you've been acting around her, and ask yourself if that could be the case. If it is, then go to her, apologize, and get on with your life.

7) "Size doesn't matter."
Don't lie to us. We know it does, and we're doing our best to make up for it in other ways. It's best just to not say anything at all.

Insecure much? Real Men know that size doesn't really matter, and they wouldn't be putting off a vibe that would make her think that she needs to tell you that. When we're trying to please her, it doesn't matter if it requires some other techniques to achieve, and most Real Women don't care, either. I do feel sorry for the insecure guys out there, though. Now, it's Politically Incorrect to go and get the sportscar or monster SUV in compensation for their insecurity, so they will get looked down upon for that, too. Real Men get SUVs for doing work, or Sportscars for a little fun once in a while, and don't really care if the enviroweenies look down their noses at us.

8) "What are you wearing?"
We're wearing whatever's clean or whatever you tell us to. We don't plan out our wardrobe days in advance, but we do actually try and look presentable. It may not work a lot of the time, but we do give it a shot. Giving us direction is completely encouraged though, so go ahead and suggest … nicely.

First of all, you twit, she's asking that question so SHE can plan HER wardrobe to go with yours. Don't get your pee-pee all bent out of shape (When she asks, "Are you wearing THAT?", though, look out). She cares about coordinating your dress more than whether you're going to look OK, at least with this question.

Unless, of course, you've given her reason to be suspicious of your wardrobe choices, in which case, why have you? Do you go to semi-formal parties wearing torn jeans and t-shirt? Or are you just being insecure, again?

Still, we are willing to take suggestions, ladies, for what to wear, because we know it will sometimes make your choices easier.

9) "Do you think she's pretty?"
Of course we do, our standards are much lower than yours. But just because we check her out doesn't mean we think any less of you. We try to be as discreet as possible, but for the most part, we can't help it. It's in our DNA. When an attractive woman walks by, it's best to just pretend nothing happened.

First of all, if this is a dangerous question, then either you have a neurotic woman on your hands, or you've given her reason to think that you're cheating on her, because a Real Woman will either know that you think that woman is pretty, while being secure in the fact that you're with her, and not ask the question in the first place, or else she is still trying to determine the boundaries of your taste, possibly with thoughts on what other styles of hair or clothes she may try out for you.

Second, why are you so insecure, again?

10) "Which outfit do you like better?"
I'm going to be honest here—90 percent of the guys out there are not going to tell you which outfit they like better: They're going to try to pick the one you like better and not get into a holy war when the babysitter is due any minute. To us, you always look good. Getting a couple cocktails and spending as much time as we can without the kids is our ultimate goal for a rare night out.

Well, here's almost another one that I can agree with, but again, if this is a dangerous question for you, why are you with her again? If this is not an honest question because she can't quite make up her mind, then perhaps you need to re-examine why you're with her. Plus one for the "To us, you always look good" line, though.

All in all, this list seems to be written by a neurotic teenager, rather than a man. Unfortunately, that seems to be what a lot of so-called men are like, nowadays, though.